Finding my voice
Jul. 24th, 2008 10:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sciencegeekSee my lips, they stick, but not together.
Rather, they flail open with flames to burn down this culture that once kept them shut. ~ Adriel Luis
First off - A good friend of mine recently started a blog called Uppity Brown Woman, and with the feed![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-syndicated.gif)
uppitybrownlady. In her words "It's mostly [her] thoughts on feminism/anti-racism/whatever". I've enjoyed her posts in the past on racism, privelege and feminism, and I'm sure I will enjoy reading her there as well. If you have any interest in those subjects, I suggest checking it out.
In other news - I've been meaning to write a bit more about racism in my journal, likely in part because of what I was feeling after writing this post, the article Becoming Visable: On being a Woman of Colour in Fandom, and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tenninch saying (in the comments), among other things: I'm irrationally afraid to be wrong about my own experience as a woman of colour, so I rarely say a word, if at all. I pretend that some other, more knowledgeable WOC will come speak for me so that I don't fall flat on my face, and truth be told, I'm also afraid of another WOC correcting me - it's just so damn confusing when it happens in real life that I can't seem to deal with it online.
Because I know I often do the same thing. Part of it is the subconscious model minority thing, and the other that I don't feel knowledgeable about racism to talk about my experiences. Which...is sort of stupid because they are my experiences, but I think that I don't understand how they fit maybe? Anyway, I'm hoping to read more essays etc about racism at some point soon (ideally I'll be able to choose a course about it in the upcoming school year, but we'll see), just so I know about it in a larger context, I guess.
I rant here about racism, rather than at the people that upset me, and can't help but wonder if fading to the background and not rocking the boat in 'real life' is what comes with trying to fit into an ethnocentric culture. Rarely, if ever, do I talk about racism with friends, and when it does happen I often feel like I'm censoring myself as to not upset anyone - rather than be forceful with my opinions they are often softened with "I think that, maybe..." and/or distance myself from the opinion, like it's not mine. It's easy for me to say that "I don't care if what I say makes you feel uncomfortable", but it's difficult for me to actually do just that.
On a related note - a confession. It's only been recently I've been able to identify myself as a minority. Which sounds weird, I know, but I did (and still do at times) cling to the fact that I'm half-white. Halle Berry in an interview a few years ago talked about being mixed and, in a conversation with her mother (I think?) her mom saying that she (Halle Berry) is black, because that's how people will see her, even though she's half white. It pretty much took me until that point to accept that I read as Asian, even though I'm half-white, and I have to accept that - people don't look at me and see someone that has mixed heritage, or someone that's half-white - they see someone that looks Asian. Consciously or not, minorities tend to want to fit in, and be that default of White (at least in North America) - that's why there's bleaching creams available, why younger immigrants try to lose their accents, and why Asian people will have their eyelids operated on to get the coveted "double eyelid". We've been shown and told in North America that white is pretty, and while we can't change our genetics, we can try to change our appearance in any way possible. I wanted to associate with white even though I'm not given any of the privelege, not my Asian heritage. It was (and is) hard because I was born here, my parents were born here, my grandparents were born here - I've already (more or less) assimilated into the ethnocentric culture.
I've mentioned before that I feel like I'm between cultures - I'm not white enough to be white, and not Asian enough to be Asian. It makes it hard because I don't know where I 'fit in' - I haven't met anyone else that's mixed - Japanese/Canadian outside my family. It's just...I know my experiences, but in larger context I don't know where they fit. A couple years ago, I was part of a half-asian community on LJ, however in that community, I was told that we don't face racism, so uh, that didn't work out so well for me. So, I'm finding it difficult to express myself, partly because I'm still learning, partly because I don't know if I have the ability, and partly because I'm not sure of a venue where I can converse with people in a similar situation as mine. Also, I'm not sure if I can even add anything useful to any conversation, really. And...it's easy to just pretend that someone else will come along and speak for me, and it's easy to ignore the posts. I may feel guilty about it, but it's easy to give in and just...be that default for once.
So we'll see where this goes - there are lots of things I want to write about, I'm just not sure if/when they'll come about.
Rather, they flail open with flames to burn down this culture that once kept them shut. ~ Adriel Luis
First off - A good friend of mine recently started a blog called Uppity Brown Woman, and with the feed
uppitybrownlady. In her words "It's mostly [her] thoughts on feminism/anti-racism/whatever". I've enjoyed her posts in the past on racism, privelege and feminism, and I'm sure I will enjoy reading her there as well. If you have any interest in those subjects, I suggest checking it out.In other news - I've been meaning to write a bit more about racism in my journal, likely in part because of what I was feeling after writing this post, the article Becoming Visable: On being a Woman of Colour in Fandom, and
tenninch saying (in the comments), among other things: I'm irrationally afraid to be wrong about my own experience as a woman of colour, so I rarely say a word, if at all. I pretend that some other, more knowledgeable WOC will come speak for me so that I don't fall flat on my face, and truth be told, I'm also afraid of another WOC correcting me - it's just so damn confusing when it happens in real life that I can't seem to deal with it online.Because I know I often do the same thing. Part of it is the subconscious model minority thing, and the other that I don't feel knowledgeable about racism to talk about my experiences. Which...is sort of stupid because they are my experiences, but I think that I don't understand how they fit maybe? Anyway, I'm hoping to read more essays etc about racism at some point soon (ideally I'll be able to choose a course about it in the upcoming school year, but we'll see), just so I know about it in a larger context, I guess.
I rant here about racism, rather than at the people that upset me, and can't help but wonder if fading to the background and not rocking the boat in 'real life' is what comes with trying to fit into an ethnocentric culture. Rarely, if ever, do I talk about racism with friends, and when it does happen I often feel like I'm censoring myself as to not upset anyone - rather than be forceful with my opinions they are often softened with "I think that, maybe..." and/or distance myself from the opinion, like it's not mine. It's easy for me to say that "I don't care if what I say makes you feel uncomfortable", but it's difficult for me to actually do just that.
On a related note - a confession. It's only been recently I've been able to identify myself as a minority. Which sounds weird, I know, but I did (and still do at times) cling to the fact that I'm half-white. Halle Berry in an interview a few years ago talked about being mixed and, in a conversation with her mother (I think?) her mom saying that she (Halle Berry) is black, because that's how people will see her, even though she's half white. It pretty much took me until that point to accept that I read as Asian, even though I'm half-white, and I have to accept that - people don't look at me and see someone that has mixed heritage, or someone that's half-white - they see someone that looks Asian. Consciously or not, minorities tend to want to fit in, and be that default of White (at least in North America) - that's why there's bleaching creams available, why younger immigrants try to lose their accents, and why Asian people will have their eyelids operated on to get the coveted "double eyelid". We've been shown and told in North America that white is pretty, and while we can't change our genetics, we can try to change our appearance in any way possible. I wanted to associate with white even though I'm not given any of the privelege, not my Asian heritage. It was (and is) hard because I was born here, my parents were born here, my grandparents were born here - I've already (more or less) assimilated into the ethnocentric culture.
I've mentioned before that I feel like I'm between cultures - I'm not white enough to be white, and not Asian enough to be Asian. It makes it hard because I don't know where I 'fit in' - I haven't met anyone else that's mixed - Japanese/Canadian outside my family. It's just...I know my experiences, but in larger context I don't know where they fit. A couple years ago, I was part of a half-asian community on LJ, however in that community, I was told that we don't face racism, so uh, that didn't work out so well for me. So, I'm finding it difficult to express myself, partly because I'm still learning, partly because I don't know if I have the ability, and partly because I'm not sure of a venue where I can converse with people in a similar situation as mine. Also, I'm not sure if I can even add anything useful to any conversation, really. And...it's easy to just pretend that someone else will come along and speak for me, and it's easy to ignore the posts. I may feel guilty about it, but it's easy to give in and just...be that default for once.
So we'll see where this goes - there are lots of things I want to write about, I'm just not sure if/when they'll come about.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2008-07-25 03:17 am (UTC)I would love to read about your opinions and experiences. We can learn so much from each other. *hugs*
I always type so much!
on 2008-07-25 04:09 am (UTC)I rant here about racism, rather than at the people that upset me, and can't help but wonder if fading to the background and not rocking the boat in 'real life' is what comes with trying to fit into an ethnocentric culture.
I hear that. Oh, how I know what you mean. Actually, your entire first paragraph, I get that. I still do that 99% of the time, even though I do talk about racism with people. The consequences of speaking out against racism, particularly racism that you feel, is very different for each person. They are definitely real consequences - when I talk about racism that I experience, I am afraid (I think for good reason) that I will be dismissed or faced with denial.
I'm afraid of losing friends, losing acquaintances, and most of all, being stereotyped as an angry-for-no-reason woman of colour. I don't want to let people in on the secret that I am fucking angry about racism because it will change their opinions of me. I won't get to blend in as 'not like those other Indians.' The consequences of talking about racism are not the same for those who pass as white - for some reason, if you pass as white, people are more likely to assume you have authority to speak about racism because "you won't get emotion in the way since race doesn't apply to you anyway."
It takes a lot of time to talk ourselves out of the guilt that we have for not speaking out too. Every time I don't take the opportunity to say something about racism, I feel like I just punched a part of myself in the face just so I can fit in.
Okay, to limit my typing, your last paragraph: I've been thinking about something like this a lot lately. I've never been able to independently think about bi-racialness (is that even a word?) because I am not mixed, but slowly I start to realize how I relate to the 'not belonging to either' part in many ways. Of course, not nearly in the same way, but it's a feeling I do share with other things (being an immigrant, in particular, I belong to neither country of residence or origin). I'm hearing more and more about this from different people, it's interesting how the same feeling of not belonging manifests in different ways, with varying degrees and material consequences.
P.S. I hope you don't mind, but I'm always amused when the last N in my username is dropped (it happens A LOT) I had to make a separate account. XD Please don't take it personally?
Re: I always type so much!
on 2008-07-25 07:53 pm (UTC)Re: I always type so much!
on 2008-07-26 01:24 am (UTC)